Like everyone else in the world, I recently mourned the loss of the iconic Betty White. She was talented. She was funny. She was a little bit ‘bad’ as we like to say in our family. I remember reading something she’d said, and of course I’m paraphrasing, but she talked about how she was so incredibly open to her fans because she understood that, to them, she felt like family — as she was in their living room every week!! I can see that. Which one of us hasn’t tried to imagine who is the Rose Nylund of their friend group? I have friends from high school that refer to themselves as the Golden Girls; each one with their role to play to add to their decades long friendships.
Those thoughts of Betty came about during a time of great change and upheaval in my own life so perhaps that’s why they are so intermingled in my brain as I reflect and ponder today. As you all know, I left my job in November. As a workaholic whose identity was 100% about her work, that wasn’t an easy thing to do. But, there comes a time when your peace is far more important. Just because you choose peace, however, doesn’t mean that you’re not scared or overwhelmed or worried beyond belief at times! Who am I if I’m not working? How will we pay our bills if I’m not working? What comes next if I’m not working? So many questions.
Since I hadn’t had a real vacation in four years, I gave myself time to relax and to destress and to just enjoy the Christmas season. I spent more time with my mother, who has dementia. I was able to get all my Christmas stuff done without it ever feeling like a chore. I got to spend quality time with my husband where we simply had fun and enjoyed life. Who knew what I was missing out on?? Literally just about everyone in the entire world. But it was so ingrained in my psyche that work was life that I just didn’t understand anything different. Now, with a little bit of hindsight, I was able to see where it really went wrong…
When I met my husband in a different country than my own, I started working like a crazy person while here in Canada, so that I was able to take time off to go there every couple of months. So while in Canada, I worked insane hours, with high productivity and then I’d go to the DR for a bit. Repeat. But then I changed companies and didn’t travel as much; that eventually dwindled to didn’t travel at all once my husband emigrated. But my brain was so used to being in go-go-go, insane hours, high productivity mode when I was in Canada…that that’s just how it was! Despite the fact that I was no longer taking the time to rest…rest was for time outside of the country. Time here was to work. Overworking is not just dangerous to your psyche but it is dangerous to your physical health as well…not to mention damaging to your relationships and overall well being. But i didn’t have the insight to see it. Not until I stepped away. And no one cared in my work life cause they were happy with high productivity and being able to throw whatever tasks on me cause they knew I’d always say yes. Throw in a mother with dementia that needs more and more from you and it was only a matter of time before I would have crashed.
But wait, we were talking about Betty White and friendships? How did we get back to stress and lack of work/life balance?
After Christmas, I started to panic a little bit. The weeks leading up to Christmas were heavenly but then with the calendar advancing, I felt the sting of reality setting in. What WAS I going to do? When I left my job, I knew that I would start my own business but was I ready to do that? What if it’s not successful? What if no one wants to hire me? Why didn’t I start the business, on the side, while working full time (as if I would have ever been able to find one more minute in my days)? Why don’t I look for a different job and do it on the side? Why don’t I look for a part time job and think about starting my business on the side? Soooooo many questions. I’d always had a path in life; I did what I was supposed to do and got an education and then went to work. But now I had the chance to hit restart. To decide exactly how I wanted my life to look and it was both exhilarating and daunting. I questioned my very being.
And that brings me back to Betty White. I always knew I had a pretty fantastic circle of women in my life. But it was rare for me to be vulnerable with any of them. I was the workaholic people pleaser who would try to be there for people but never felt like it was enough. But how do you have transformational female friendships without letting people in; without letting them see the real you, warts and all? No one wants a facade friendship. Rose, Blanche, Dorothy and Sophia didn’t have surface level relationships. They knew that it was the spiciness and bumps and bruises along that way that lead to meaningful and flavourful relationships.
So here I was, at a major turning point in my life both personally and professionally and my circle of women simply wrapped their arms around me, figuratively speaking (we are still in a pandemic afterall!)…they anticipated my needs and they filled them; they discussed among themselves how best to help me; they kept calling or texting or instant messaging until I responded; they encouraged and inspired me with their words and their actions. They cooked meals (an entire freezerfull) so that I didn’t have to worry about cooking dinner both here and at my mother’s – to better focus on my planning. They sent me money and insisted I take it when our car broke down; knowing that this is a financially frightening path I’ve taken; and reminding me that I have done the same for others, which turned most of the shame into gratitude. They shared links to inspirational women who have helped them on their own journeys. They shared memes to make me laugh. They sent notes to check in and didn’t give up on me if I couldn’t talk or meet with them or be positive.
And then, my much adored father-in-law died. For those of you following this blog for a bit, you know that my inlaws hail from the beautiful Dominican Republic….a long ways from Nova Scotia. Less than two years since my beloved mother-in-law passed. Covid had the country on complete lock down at the beginning of the pandemic when she passed…so there was no way to get there. No planes, no boats. It was a dark and devastating time and I was heartbroken watching my husband try to mourn from afar. It almost killed him. Then when he was finally able to travel, he got stuck there for 6 months, again because of covid and the ever-changing protocols. And now his Dad. All of his siblings were able to be there.
I was so upset. He is off for the winter as he works construction, so he had the time to go but not the means. I silently railed at myself for being so selfish; for not having a job that could have enabled us to have the disposable income to be able to go at the drop of a hat. I questioned everything…why did I take this journey if it was going to be detrimental to our family?
And then my girlfriends burst their way into my pity party. They reminded me of the times I’d helped others; of the fact that they’d never seen me look healthier or happier or as relaxed; of the fact that my former path would have had me stroke out by 50 cause we simply aren’t meant to live our lives on high alert day in day out in negative environments especially; that I made the best decision for our family by leaving my work behind cause I deserve to be respected and valued in the workplace, while having a work/life balance. They dropped off food and financial blessings that gave us the opportunity to have the choice about going to the DR. Ultimately we decided to wait a bit…my husband gets his 3rd dose of the vaccine on Tuesday, which takes about two weeks to become fully effective…and we will reevaluate where covid omicron cases sit at that point. But what an astronomical gift to give! The gift of choice; the ability to choose what is most wise and safest for our family!!
They stepped up when I needed them most…and then doubled down on support when life threw another curve ball our way. This is the legendary friendship stuff movies are made of! And they`re mine. As I sit here today, reflecting on each and every one of them, I am filled with awe and gratitude for the incredible blessing of each one. For every Dorothy, every Blanche, every Sophia, and every Rose…thank you…you know who you are…
Thank you for being a friend. Traveled down the road and back again. Your heart is true. You’re a pal and a confidant. And if you threw a party, invited everyone you knew, you would see the biggest gift would be from me and the card attached would say: thank you for being a friend.
Dandelion Wishes 