Hello dear readers…I know, I know, it’s been a very long times since I’ve written. But, you see, I deal with massive bouts of both depression and anxiety and unless the stars align, my brain simply can’t string a sentence together. Life, eh. It’s always when you think things are finally almost figured out when yet another curveball comes your way. Or at least that has been my experience the last number of years.
But as this month of Loveuary comes to a close (yes, I stole that from the W network, which has been playing “love” themed Hallmark movies all month), I’m sitting here reflecting on the vast amount of love I’ve been shown this month…and not in a cynical way; but in a grateful way. And that led me here; back to dandelion-wishes to get my thoughts out.
I’ve never been much of a romantic. I’ve always been a realist. Practical. Plain Jane if you will. And then my life took a very romantic turn when I met my husband in a tropical land on vacation and our love endured to take us to where we are today…but I didn’t get swept up in the romance. It was only in hindsight that I recognized it at all!
Today, as I look back on the highs and lows of February, it was filled with so much love. My mom has dementia. Which means the Mom I knew for the first 2/3s of my life is no longer with us. She can’t offer advice or be a shoulder to cry on or help figure things out or even be a companion on adventures…unfortunately those parts are lost to the terrible disease. But she loves to laugh. She likes to be “bad” and eat sweets and stay in bed til noon. She loves to dance and listen to old 60s music. She loves to come visit and watch simple Hallmark movies. On Pancake Tuesday, she and my Dad came for dinner…pancakes, bacon, sausage, strawberries, whipped cream, you name it. We feasted like bad kids; watched Enola Holmes on Netflix and then she announced that she’d like to sleep over. They live like 5 minutes away and I had to work in the morning, but I immediately jumped into sleepover mode. I quickly changed the sheets on our bed and dug out some PJs and got them settled before snuggling into the spare room myself. She got up several times to say goodnight to me…and she was so happy to have this fun sleepover that I went to sleep myself thinking of how she is so appreciative of the simple things in life now; and I could do with learning a thing or two from that.
Love. Pure, innocent, sweet love from a Mama I sometimes don’t remember. It’s difficult with dementia cause she looks the same; she lives in the same spot; and you want her to be her old self so badly that sometimes you forget that she’s simply not there anymore. She’s simply not that same person. But she loves unabashedly and she finds pure joy in jam sandwiches, Blue Jays baseball, my Dad and even my brother and me (despite the fact that she often mistakes me for her sister Stasia and my brother for her brother AA).
My husband has had a difficult month. When he got word that his sister’s health was failing and that her situation was dire, he booked a trip home. Thankfully he did, when he did, as she passed away 4 days after his arrival. That’s his Mom, his Dad, his sister…all in less than three years. But at the very least he was able to be there for this one. He was surrounded by his family and they had the opportunity to spend time altogether for the first time in forever. Time and distance were forgotten. They lived and loved. And lifted each other up. Pure love.
Our nephew is five years old and he lives in a different country; I’ve only met him in person the one time. But we talk on the phone and video chat. When I met him in person I was scared that he was going to be scared by me…but two minutes in, I was his bff and ever so grateful. On this trip, my husband brought him a spider man knapsack – he had mentioned wanting one on a video chat months ago. When he saw it, his whole body exploded in joy and gratitude to his uncle. When we chatted later, his nephew yells, HOLA TIA into the phone and my heart was full..the rest of Joan’s nieces and nephews were teens and older when we got together, so I’ve never held that title of Tia with them. It’s a title of respect and honour. But this little bugger, from the outset, even with me living a million miles away and only ever seeing him the one trip…that’s pure love.
Leading up to Joan’s trip, a snowstorm landed in the forecast so we had to book a stay at the airport hotel and prayed that his flight would actually go out. That left us floundering when it came to our exceedingly spoiled cat that doesn’t know he’s a cat, Luis. Luis has never been left alone overnight and I think his heart might spontaneously combust if he was left that long. We’ve had him for 4 years so he knows no life but the spoiled one he leads. My niece Olivia stepped up to the plate and came to stay at our place with Luis that night to love on her cat cousin. My 19 year old Goddaughter who has a very busy life; with college and job and boyfriend and friends…took the time out of her schedule to be there for Joan and I…and Luis. Without hesitation. Just cause she loves us.
Our beautiful Tanya, who we lovingly call the sisterwife, knowing that our car is not as reliable as she once was, offers for us to take her car to the airport instead of our own. Citing safety issues and reliability, we’d all be more confidant if you took my car, she said. When we had to wind up staying overnight, we decided to take our own…but one more act of selflessness from Tanya and one more glowing spark of love in this month of love.
My Dad has had a very difficult time lately. His wife of almost 53 years going through such drastic changes has taken its toll; and his stress levels have been through the roof. Throw in the amount of time spent alone since when you get dementia, all your friends and family abandon you. It’s not easy on your head or your heart. And yet, on the night of the storm, the night before Joan’s flight, Dad calls my cell to say, hey did you want me to get up at 3am and drive Joan to the airport through the storm so you don’t have to drive on the bad roads? Um…no, thank you, I don’t want my senior father out on those roads any more than I wanted to be on them! But wow, the love in that offer….and then this week when I came home from work sick on Friday and only managed to climb into bed for the night at supper time, who was calling me on Saturday wondering if I needed anything? Dear old Dad. I hadn’t seen or talked to him in a few days, which is unusual for us, but he saw via social media that I was ill and immediately wanted to help. Such love.
After Joan’s flight took off Tuesday morning, I returned to our car to find an almost flat tire. I’m anxious on a good day so was very paranoid about making the return trip to home with a tire that might cause trouble. I filled it but was afraid of the trip home…with still not fantastic roads. And then I remembered my brother was also in the city and his flight had been canceled. One quick call to him and he was saying, hey meet me at the exit and I’ll follow you home in case anything goes wrong. And all the way from the airport to my home, he stayed right behind me. My fears alleviated. Cause I knew I had backup, right there in my rearview mirrow. My brother, my support. Such love.
Last week we all went out for dinner for Dad’s birthday. And as we sat reminiscing about old story after old story and getting caught up on each others lives…I looked around the table at my parents, my brother, my sister in law, and felt such a connection. I swear it was as if a voiceover from The Wonder Years was going to start speaking…but it was simply love. Pure love.
My best friend is on a health journey of her own and that’s her story to tell…but as her friend of 40 plus years, it’s thrown me a little off my rocker with worry for her and her sweet little family. But she had her surgery and is recovering so well and has truly become even more of an inspiration throughout all of this. We spoke on the phone just yesterday, as we have done frequently the last number of months. She was telling me about next steps and how she’d call Tuesday after another appointment. I left her to go watch a ringette game with her girls. As I hung up the phone, I wept. Not out of worry or pain or fear this time. But out of joy. So grateful she is on the road to recovery. So grateful she is on the path to health. And so filled with love for this woman who is such a huge part of my heart. Pure love.
Another friend has been having chronic health issues and doing her best to overcome and get back into the workforce and reclaim her life…all the while helping her in laws and her own Dad with the day to day runnings of their lives in their 70s and 80s. I was having a really bad go this month and vented to her about it and immediately, instead of judging, she offered multiple perspectives and then had a list of ways to fix things before I could even get over myself!! That’s friendship. That’s love.
My cousins Shannon & Kathy and I have become particularly close over the years and we have been saying forever that we were going to get together…and finally did this month. We met at Shannon’s…her beautiful new house in the country. We ate our faces off. We told story after story after story. We laughed until we couldn’t breathe. We relaxed…and for three caregivers, that’s nigh on impossible. Our friendship grew stronger. Our love for one another palpable.
That same weekend we met up with our cousin Ian who, together, with his wife and kids have built an accessible retreat on the shores of the Northumberland Strait. Kathy’s sister, Charlotte, lives her life in a wheelchair so we thought we’d pop in to check it out to see if that might work to reserve for another time where all of us could gather. Ian took us through every room and shared every step of this labour of love with us. We can hardly wait to go for girls time with Charlotte in May! The love Ian’s family has poured into that home away from home is evident…they’ve thought of everything. Every little thing that one might need to ensure an accessible vacation time. Love built that home and their love will fill the hearts of every single person that is lucky enough to spend time there.
My friend Andrea came into my life when we worked together several years ago and our friendship has grown strong and steady over the years. We share common values and we strive for similar things in life…and, unfortunately, we both bear the anxiety cross. We finally got together this weekend at the Justamere Cafe and shared tips and tricks we are both going to use to help us rid ourselves of negative mind sets and to build brighter futures for ourselves. She’s brilliant and funny and kind and helpful and thoughtful and beautiful and to feel like we are taking on the world together to create a kinder, gentler, more considerate life? It is a sense of belonging that I’m not sure I’ve ever felt before. My heart is full. That is pure love.
While out and about, we ran into so many people who are important to me that it was embarrassing!! My friend and confidant extraordinaire Heather; the quirky and talented Mary Beth; my cousin Ronnie his wife Jennifer; old friends Ann and Glen and Leanne. So on top of the life changing steps Andrea and I were taking, I was reminded that there are so many people that have been a part of my life journey…so many people who I have loved and been loved by. It’s a little overwhelming as I sit here and actually think about it.
February. Cold. Dark. Isolted. And yet, the W network got it so right…it really is Loveuary; cause everywhere I look, all I see is the love. From beautiful video chats with cousters to quick texts of facebook messages from family and friends. Love wins. Love drives out the bad. Love has made this February red hot for me and I’m going to spend the coming months reminding myself of this month’s lessons surrounding love. I hope you are able to see the love that is there in your life and that when you reflect on February that you are ever so grateful for it too.
Dandelion Wishes 