Today I smelled the first of my phlox as they began their emergence into our garden…to me, they smell better than roses. I felt the warm sun on skin and the breeze in my hair. I listened to the cacophony of birds that have made our yard home. Instead of being critical of my lack of whipper snipping (I still haven’t gotten the bloody thing fixed), as I would usually do, I just sat there in my rocking chair enjoying the moment. Smelling the phlox and the woodsy smells after the rain and tasting a piece of mint within my reach…picking my first few cherry tomatoes on the other side. For the first time in a very long time, I felt at peace. Honestly, it felt like one of those stereotypical moments from a drug store novel: after the stress of the last number of years increased to the point of no return, our heroine finally broke through to the other side and found peace! ha! That sounds so cheesy. But i felt that in the moment today.
I’ve been trying to practice an attitude of gratitude lately. I’m not working like a dog, but rather, I’m lucky enough to find a job I’m good at and having such opportunities to put my knowledge skills and experience to work! See what I mean?
So my back yard peaceful moment was definitely a reflection of that. But it feels amazing to finally have those moments so I am not going to mock myself in the least!!
If you’re reading this, you must know me a little…so you know my Mom has dementia. The specifics are not my story to tell, but let me just say this. When you have dementia, people fail you. No one helps. No one checks in. No one helps the family help the person going through such an upheaval. It’s an uphill battle with doctors and health care system and they leave you on your own to pretty much fend for yourself. Until people complain.
When people complain about someone with dementia to the proper authorities, the person is no longer human. The person is not allowed to make mistakes. The person is not allowed to be eccentric. The person must be cookie cutter standard run of the mill. And that’s just not reality.
But those complainers who never once offer to help and those complainers who are too cowardly to ever actually talk to the family, can make your life, as caregivers a living hell. So, on top of the stress of losing your loved one to a disease that strips her of her memories, her functioning, her personality, her dignity, you now have the stress that those complainers cause. Those complainers, I think, tell themselves that they are doing what is best for the person. But that’s a bald faced lie. Cause if they were truly doing what was best for the person, they’d actually get off their armchair critic buttocks and offer to have a cup of tea with the person once a month. But no. They’d rather hide in the shadows and exacerbate an already extremely stressful situation. All the while, continuing to ignore their former friend/family member/neighbour…and going on with their own lives, completely oblivious to the hell they’ve unleashed.
Do I sound bitter? Well, that’s cause I am. People who you have always counted on; who you’ve always supported too…poof! It’s one thing to disappear. But to actually disappear and then still wreak havoc? My brain and my heart simply couldn’t take it anymore. June and July 2023 have been nothing but a blur with every single waking minute devoted to work or my parents. I’m lucky I have such an incredible and understanding husband who has been nothing but supportive. He was afraid earlier this month that I was going to stroke out under the stress so made arrangements to have our sisterwife come spend a night with us…which wound up leading to a solution for my Mom.
We are now one week into those solutions for Mom and I’m still in fight or flight mode. I’ve been here so long that i don’t know how to turn it off. I sat myself down to figure out ways to fill the time that had been taken over by things now being looked after by others. What did *I* want to do? Remember when you started out looking for joy? WAAAAAY back when. What would bring you joy now? What are you passionate about? What do you want to work on?
And it occurred to me that I have become so incredibly pessimistic…likely because every time for the last 2 years that one issue had been solved, 3 more pop up!! Fight or flight, remember?! So I wanted to work on gratitude. One week in and I’m already sitting in my yard reflecting on it…what brings me joy? what are my passions?
~ My yard. I have pinks and reds and light blues throughout my yard and garden. I love that I have taken on the gardening. But I love my flowers more as they show their true colours for this season. I sit there and look at it all and even though it desperately needs to be whipper snipped, it brings me joy and contentment. From the first flower to the pink polka dot table cloth on our outdoor table. All of it. It shows my personality and my hard work and my commitment to creating a pretty and safe space. And I’m so incredibly grateful for it.
~ My Mom. Twice a week I wash her hair. This morning, while blow drying it, I looked at all the highlights the sun had made in it over the last few weeks. I thought about how many times I watched her do HER mother’s hair. And I thought about my oldest friends. There are 6 I mean when I talk about my oldest friends. Five out of six of them have lost one parent already. 2 have lost both parents. And here I am having the great privilege of playing with my Mom’s hair twice a week. I bet those that have lost their Moms would give anything to be looking at the highlights in their Mom’s hair. My heart breaks for them quite regularly…and it is a perfect reminder to not take things for granted. To see things not as chores but as opportunities. So having the opportunity to spend this precious time with my Mom brings me joy. And I’m grateful for it.
~ I have been a Safety Officer my entire career and I’ve missed it. This spring I registered a business thinking I’d finally dive back in. But things got so incredibly chaotic that I barely had time to sleep, let alone have the headspace to think about a business. This past week, once things got under control with my Mom, I decided it was now or never. And I shared a facebook page, thus launching officially my Ortega Safety business. The response has been overwhelming and I already have a few things lined up. I feel driven again and such a sense of purpose. I thought helping people was all I needed. Turns out I want to help them with the knowledge, skills and experience I have gained in my lifetime as a Safety Officer. It is my passion. It brings me joy. And I am so grateful for it.
~ My husband hates when I talk about him online. Hope he never finds this blog haha. (For the record, he does of course know I blog). i used to think happy marriages were kind of superficial and phony to be honest. Cause no one knows what goes on behind closed doors. But J and I are almost to our 10 year anniversary and he continues to amaze me. He creates a space for me to be safe; to take the stress of the world right now and crumple it up into a manageable ball and bounce it on out of here! He’s so thoughtful and kind…to my family and friends but especially to me. He personifies commitment to family with his dedication to his siblings and nieces and nephews. He’d give his last dollar to someone he thought needed it more than him. It’s almost August so our Back-to-School fundraiser will be underway in the next few days…just one of the ways he gives back to his hometown in the Dominican Republic. He’s a very bright light in a dark world. He brings me joy and I am so grateful for it.
~ Growing older brings me joy. Cause the older I get, the more I try to figure out who the real me is; scraping off the layers of me that other people pasted together. As a complex trauma survivor, I most often did what was expected, not what I wanted. I didn’t realize I could have my own wants or needs. And I went way too long not dealing with it cause I had no idea it wasn’t normal!! i thought everyone thought like me and acted like me. But now I know better. And as I age, and I find things that I enjoy. People I enjoy. Food and drinks I enjoy. Events I enjoy. It brings me contentment and joy…that only realizing your true self can possibly bring. I no longer care what strangers think, for the most part. If I don’t admire a person and value their opinion, why do I let them tear me down or criticize me or feel the need to prove myself to them? Age has taught me to no longer do that. I’m content with far less. I see my place in the world and I’m happy to be here. I do my best. Sometimes that’s good. Sometimes that is not so good. But it’s always enough cause it’s the best I can do.
~Finding things to be grateful for brings me joy!! It’s so amazing how that happens!! Just thinking about what I’m grateful for inspires me and lifts me up. I am much kinder and more thoughtful and less anxious and less critical. i try to accept people where they are. i try to think about ways I’m grateful for them…even when it’s a trying relationship. That gratitude spreads. that gratitude brings so much joy to me that I can then share that joy with the world.
I don’t have it all figured out. I don’t suppose any of us really do. But on a warm July evening, with all of these thoughts swirling in my head, I’m so grateful for the feeling of joy that fills every fiber of my being. I wish I could bottle this for the days I’m not so strong; but now I have it here to remind me. Hope my jabberings inspire you to think about all you are grateful for…
Dandelion Wishes 