Today I lost it when I noticed the holes in the back of the bathroom door from where calendars once hung. Tears, sobs, collapse.
You see, my extremely busy, extremely committed and extremely efficient mother always hung calendars there, filled with activities and occasions always displayed there. Even in that intimate setting she was juggling people, tasks and life in general. And making sure all of us were on top of our game.
It has been a long time since a calendar hung there. I see those holes every day. But today they may as well have sucker punched me. Because today it made me think of the Mom that used to be. Don’t get me wrong, I do love this version of Mom wholeheartedly. But sometimes a girl needs her Mama. A friend recently pointed out that she would give anything to have her Mom still here like me. I know it’s not fair for me to grieve for her when technically she is still right here in front of me. So I stuff it down and do what is expexted of me. Take care of every need and want. Day after day. Until days like today when I cry at the holes in the door.
Without getting into details as thats not my story to tell, we have been living under a deep financial burden for the last 2 years. Caused by dementia. Then made worse by dementia. And it felt insurmountable at times. Over and above the stress of being 100% responsible for the lives of two humans i love more than life. I haven’t had a good night sleep in 2 years. And that doesn’t even factor in all the physical things in our world the last 12 months – Mom’s esophageal issues, her gall bladder removal, my husband’s workplace accident where he was run over by a roller, my sepsis and hospital stay, my oral surgery and we finished off that 12 months with Mom’s broken hip.
Yes, it’s been a LOT. Ive had no real break or time to myself. It was my birthday this week. Last year on my milestone birthday I was in the hospital with her getting her gall bladder out; she was terribly confused in there and kept ripping her IVs out over and over again all day and night. This year on my birthday a UTI kept me hopping and on my toes wirh her (yes she is finally feeling better thank God!). I am not complaining. Just setting the scene for my mental state that left me in pieces today.
Hyper vigilance every single day for years, Im learning, is taking a toll on MY mental and physical health. So today those holes didnt cause that meltdown. It was the straw that broke the camels back. I couldn’t hamdle or process one more thing.
Just like we often get sick after being busy busy for a long stretch – bc our bodies know we have finally slowed down and it’s okay to fall apart for a bit, I think today’s meltdown may have been half triggered by the fact that the financial stuff has finally been pretty much sorted. My body sighed and collapsed! Ha.
Navigating this ship, I am constantly looking at them and what they have going on. I do lament the fact I dont ever see friends. Heck I even lost a friend this year when she misunderstood how much help I needed in an emergency. I’m constantly being told to ask for help and when I did, she assumed my ask was nefarious when I was simply looking for an avenue to take to get help. After the fact she told me she thought I would have known what to do but I had no idea. And when I expressed my hurt, she said she was sorry I felt that way. Not sorry I didn’t realize you really needed more information that I had at my fingertips. Nope. Sorry I felt that way. Then she ghosted me. One more loss in this new life of mine.
It sent me spiraling more than the physical hits. Because it made me wonder if ANY of my friends could possibly understand me in this phase of life. That a physical emergency for ME creates an emergency for Mom and Dad who need me every minute of the day. But then my strong group of women held me tighter and surrounded me with an even stronger foundation, assuring me that even though I never make plans bc I cant ever keep them, they got me. Whether that’s with a silly meme sent on a hard day or fierce prayers to sustain me.
Wow I’m getting side tracked very easily here today!!
Back to the holes!
The holes didnt cause my collapse. They reminded me of all that has been lost. The parents I used to have. My time. My own path in life. It hit its absolute limit today. And I went bonkers.
I share because I read so much about this horrible disease of dementia and it’s almost always about picture perfect this or that worked for me. Well you know what? People struggling in the trenches also need to know they’re not alone. That they’re not crazy for losing it at something foolish. We carry a heavy load and have zero capacity for much outside of this role. So when that collapse comes as it always does, let it go…take some relief from the release then dust yourself off and get back in the game. You are absolutely allowed to be human in this new season of life. Please reach out if you are struggling!!
Dandelion Wishes 